Brrr… Chloe Schlagobers’ weather report

By MICHAEL DAVIDOW, Radio Free New Hampshire

It’s been a while since I’ve made contact with my old friend, Chloe Schlagobers, a lifestyle and political reporter for my favorite newspaper, the New York Hours and Minutes.

Usually, we interview each other for our respective publications. She is now too busy for that. While we were chatting, however, she mistakenly sent me a chain of emails from her work account. These appear to be comments from one of his editors to a friend of his, who was trying to write a story.

News item: It’s winter! Overshoe, New Hampshire, will soon be blanketed in snow. “I’ve never seen it this cold before,” commented Clem Whippersnap, whose family has lived in Overshoe for seven generations. “Ayup.” Expect more white blanket with another storm on Tuesday.

Editor: Ok, why no global warming angle?

News item: The ice caps are melting, but the weather remains locally variable. In fact, Overshoe, New Hampshire, will soon be blanketed in snow, etc. etc

Editor: Why are we featuring Clem, who seems to enjoy enormous privilege? Please find someone else to interview.

News item: The ice caps are melting… will soon be covered in snow. “Thanks for bringing me here,” said Twinkles Delight, a genderqueer artist from Brooklyn, over a cup of coffee at a donut shop near the freeway. “Is it always this cold here?” “Ayup,” replied Clem Whippersnap, whose family etc. etc “I’m not that privileged, by the way. My family has always been poor.

Editor: I thought it wasn’t always that cold. You quoted him before as saying the opposite. Please clarify your facts. Or is Clem just a liar?

News item: …. “No,” replied Clem Whippersnap, whose family etc. etc

Editor: Using the word “white” to describe snow seems problematic. Also factually incorrect. Isn’t white itself the sum total of all the colors in the spectrum? Also, tell him he’s privileged no matter what he thinks.

News item: …. Expect further coverage of all colors of the spectrum with another storm on Tuesday. Also, Clem Whippersnap is preferred.

Editor: Needs more human interest!

News item: “No”, replied Clem Whippersnap… seven generations. “Say, are you new here? “I’m new everywhere,” Mx. Delight replied slyly. Mr. Whippersnap was duly impressed. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m poor,” he said.

Editor: Can we have a picture?

News Article: Clem Whippersnap, whose land-poor family has lived in Overshoe, New Hampshire, for seven generations, took advantage of his privilege this morning by being arrested when he assaulted a reporter for taking pictures of him -himself and Twinkles Delight, a genderqueer artist from Miami, as they shared a cup of coffee at a local donut shop. “Leave that woman alone,” he shouted, as Mx. Delight was hiding under the table. “Can’t you see she’s an artist?” In other news, expect new coverage in every color of the spectrum…

Editor: We lost our focus a bit. Can’t get rid of Clem?

News item: The ice caps are melting, but it can still be cold outside. Twinkles Delight, a genderqueer performer from every color of the rainbow, tried to warm up over a cup of coffee at the local donut shop in Overshoe, New Hampshire. Mx. Delight, who “was just passing through”, decided to stay in Overshoe. “The snow is so beautiful and so white,” they said. “But where did this funny little man go?” “I am here!” came a muffled voice from under the table. “That damn journalist tried to kick me out of my favorite donut shop! I also have to clear some roads.

Editor: There you go again. White snow!

News item: … “The snow is so beautiful. And soft. But listen, everyone needs to relax. Can’t this funny old man sit down? He works quite hard and he is tired.

Editor: They cause problems. Find someone else.

Fact: I can’t. Nobody else is here. Besides, they won’t talk to me anymore.

Twinkles: You’re not listening to us! You only write what you want to write! You drive Me crazy. I love this funny old man. I am not a plural either! There is only one me.

Clem: It’s so frustrating! I guess I’m privileged. But I am also poor!

Twinkles: Things are complicated. Take a muffin. And you are very privileged. Thanks for admitting it.

Editor: Oh good. Nobody cares about Vermont anyway. Or Maine. No matter.

News item: Chloe Schlagobers has been named editor-in-chief of the New York Hours and Minutes.

Michael Davidow is a lawyer in Nashua. He is the author of Gate City, Split Thirty and The Rocketdyne Commission, three novels about politics and publicity which, taken together, form The Henry Bell Project, The Book of Order, and his most recent, The Hunter of Talyashevka. They are available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Dale D. Schrum